Quicksand
by Dixie Dewdrop
Summary: Tony and Gibbs have an enlightening late night conversation about Tony's wariness towards committment. This is part of my Here and Now series.
1. Sink or Swim

Sink or Swim

Anthony Dinozzo closed the door quietly behind him and stood a second in the cozy foyer, poised and straining to hear sounds of anyone awake in the house.

He heard no one, and relaxed.

Placing his car keys on the foyer table besides those of Abby and Jethro, he shrugged out of his jacket and hung it inside the coat closet before stretching tiredly.

It had been a long day. No, it had been a long day and an even longer night.

Squaring his shoulders, he tiptoed quietly towards the stairs, doing his best to not wake the other occupants of the house. All of the bedrooms were upstairs, for Abby, Jethro, and him, plus the guest room occupied by Jackson Gibbs, who currently visited them from Pennsylvania.

Tony sighed and put his hand on the banister, but stopped when he heard a chair scraping across the floor. He pivoted to find his boss and mentor, Jethro Gibbs, taking a seat at the battered kitchen table.

The kitchen table was a genuine Gibbs holdout. Since Abby and he had pretty much moved in with Jethro they had managed to- through cajoling and dramatic emotional displays- refurbish the living room and some of the other living areas. That table, however, proved impossible to replace. Jethro refused to entertain the idea of a new one.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows at Tony, then motioned him over with a crook of his finger.

Obeying immediately, Tony loosened his tie and closed the gap. Sitting down across from Jethro, he regarded him in confusion and hurried to defend himself. "Boss, it's not one yet. I got home in time tonight. See? Just look at the kitchen clock."

"Did I say you did not?" Jethro watched him impassively.

"No, but…" Tony stammered to a stop. Licking his lips, he resumed. "Am I in trouble about anything?" Mentally rewinding his day at the agency he tried to determine any incident where his Boss would be annoyed with him.

Gibbs failed to reply, but swallowed a large gulp of his ever present coffee. He pointed towards the kitchen. "Go get something to drink and then come sit back down right here."

Tony did as instructed, but as he reached out a hand for the coffee pot Jethro barked firmly, "Not coffee- I have no intention of having you caffeinated at midnight. I plan to witness your heading to bed and sleep in a few minutes, not up all night chattering and watching movies."

Tony grinned at the rationale before pouring himself a tall glass of pineapple juice. He resumed his seat.

Thanks to their healthy fear of Dr. Mallard, fruit juice and a selection of fresh fruit were overtly present in the House of Gibbs these days. Still, carefully hidden from the good doctor in the pantry and cabinets were chips, junk food and colas, a menu of which he most certainly would display no tolerance.

Settling back in his chair, Tony stretched out his long legs and gave his mentor a questioningly look. "You wanted to talk to me?"

Nodding that he did, Jethro rested his forearms on the table and leaned towards the younger man. "That I do, Tony, that I do."

At that pronouncement, Tony jumped into defensive mode out of years of habit with the man. He sputtered, "What did I do? Boss, I haven't done anything. I wasn't even here this evening! Did Baby Girl blame something on me?"

As usual, Tony affectionately referred to Abby as the Baby Girl once inside the House of Gibbs.

Jethro privately thought it suited her and was fond of the nickname, as well.

"What did I do?" the senior field agent repeated, his shimmery green eyes meeting the intense blue ones of his boss.

That both men turned heads because of their physical attractiveness was understandable. They were incredibly handsome, and found no lack of female attention.

Jethro rolled his eyes in annoyance at the question. "I did not say that you did anything, now did I?"

"No, no I guess not," his protégé conceded, then offered a small grin before sipping another swallow of his juice.

He focused upon a spot a foot above Jethro's head and waited nearly a minute before speaking again.

"Are Baby Girl and Jackson okay then?" He turned to look worriedly towards the upper floor where the two slept.

Jackson Gibbs, father to Jethro, had come to visit a few days before. Abby and Tony welcomed him with glee, having forged a strong relationship with the elder Gibbs.

"Fine," Jethro reassured him, then leaned back in his chair. "Where have you been?"

Surprised, Tony pushed his chair closer to the battered table and answered quickly, "Shooting hoops, Boss-"

Gibbs interrupted, "All this time you were playing basketball?"

Tony shook his head ruefully. "No, just the last hour or so. Before that I was just driving, I guess."

"Is that so?" Gibbs raised his eyebrows and gazed steadily at the younger man.

Tony regarded him with a hurt expression. "I am not lying to you. I'm telling you the truth."

"I know you are being honest. I didn't say that you were not. I simply wanted to know where you have been from the time you left the agency this afternoon. That was several hours ago."

Tony relaxed and grinned, "Thinking about paying me overtime, were you, Boss?"

"Hmmm…" Gibbs settled against the chair's backrest and crossed his arms. He raised his eyebrows expectantly again.

In response, Tony scowled and tried to ignore the blatant gesture. He knew what that look meant. It meant he was expected to answer both thoroughly and immediately.

Gibbs utilized this maneuver at times while interrogating a suspect, and usually he just sat passively and maintained eye contact. Opponents tended to crumble within a few minutes, thrown by the awkward silence. At the most it took a quarter hour, which was the record time set by a Klingon impersonator suspected of kidnapping a little girl at Halloween a few years back.

Tony focused on the tabletop, tracing his initials with his fingertip on the shiny surface. When he glanced up again Gibbs still regarded him steadily.

He yawned loudly and pushed back his chair, dramatically making his way to his feet. Pushing the chair against the table he regarded Jethro. "Ok, ok, I'm tired and think I'll hit the rack."

"Sit down," his boss ordered, his gaze never wavering. He did not expect any real opposition, and he did not get any.


	2. Lifeline

Lifeline

Tony admitted defeat and sank down into the hard straight backed chair with resignation. "All right, what do you want from me?"

"We have covered that, and I have addressed that. I want to know about your afternoon and evening- this afternoon and evening. Tell me."

"No, Boss, no- you want to know about my meeting with Wendy," Tony contradicted confidently. Despite the fact that Jethro Gibbs had earned the reputation (and rightly so) of possessing little emotional attachment to his coworkers, when it came to Tony, Abby, or Ducky, his actions contradicted those rumoured beliefs.

Gibbs nodded, and his expression softened. He regarded the man before him with compassion. "What happened, Tony?" he prompted.

Tony shook his head slightly, then smiled ruefully. "Okay, Boss, well, what happened is that she opened that door again. I met her at the shop and Wonderful Wendy pretty much told me that she had called our wedding off out of fear all those years ago. Now, though, she claims to have deliberately finangled it so that the two of us not only met again, but had to spend some alone time together. She set me up, stalked me like Glenn Close did Michael Douglas in _Fatal Attraction. _Now that was a movie you don't walk away from…."

Slamming his hand down on the table, Gibbs interrupted the segue.

Tony grinned self consciously, "Sorry, Boss."

Jethro studied him as he swallowed a sip of coffee. "Who called off your wedding?"

Looking puzzled, Tony replied, "She did, Boss. You already know that."

"Who?" Gibbs repeated.

"Wendy called it off. She told me that she had some concerns, some doubts about the whole partnership." Tony met Jethro's gaze and shrugged his shoulders. In a tone which would convince his boss that what he said was correct, he added, "Really, she did because I had just told her that I honestly thought maybe I was a shaky candidate for a marital commitment, and…."

His voice abruptly trailed to silence and he glanced down at the table to avoid eye contact with his boss. He rubbed his chin, trying to process what he had just shared.

Gibbs took another sip of his coffee and spoke softly. "That is how I remember it, too. You put the nuptials on hold, but gave her credit for doing so, for calling it quits. You told everyone she made the decision to end it."

Instead of answering verbally, the younger man nodded.

"You- Tony, you backed out of your wedding," Gibbs reiterated.

Tony rubbed his temples, then grinned self consciously. "The females of the girl persuasion want to be the ones who give the green lights or red lights where relationships are involved. You should know that by now, Boss."

Quickly realizing his last words might annoy Jethro, he attempted to soften the observation. "I mean that you know that ladies like to have the upper hand in that department."

"True," murmured his boss. "So what was this evening for you?"

Grinning, Tony responded, "I honestly don't know. Auld Lang Syne? Déjà vu? I suppose I wanted to see what I gave up and said good bye to all those years ago, or whom, I mean."

Jethro nodded, his expression softening as he regarded Tony. He waited a few seconds before replying. "How about now? Do you regret it now?"

The vehement response was swift, "No, no not with Wendy- I don't think, I mean I know it would have been a bust. It was good that it finished when it did. I thought I loved her, but now I am pretty sure that I just loved that whole idea of loving someone."

Softening his expression, Gibbs studied him several moments. "You did fall in love though."

Tony's head snapped up and he regarded his boss with a hurt expression.

"I am correct. You sent Wendy away all those years ago, but then you just let Jeanne go. Why was that? Anyone who knew you could see that Jeanne Benoit was that special girl, the one."

"Leave her out of this, please, Boss," Tony scowled.

"I will in just a minute. I have a point to make, though. You made the choice with Jeanne to sever that relationship and you did."

"So what?" Tony pushed his chair back from the table and rose. "It was a covert op and she fell in love with a mythical man."

"I did not dismiss you," Jethro pointed out calmly.

The senior field agent stood with his hand on the back of the chair, torn between staying or leaving. "Ok, what now?"

"She fell in love with you, and in all honesty, you could have at any time blown your own cover with her and salvaged that relationship. You did not have to obey the Director. You did, though, Son. Afterwards, too, you had the opportunity for another chance and you sent Jeanne away then."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tony demanded, biting the side of his lip.

"Quicksand-"

"Quicksand? What does quicksand have to do with me?" Tony shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment, and looked expectantly at his boss.

"You immerse yourself in it. Just when you have a shot at peace you handicap yourself by plunging into self doubt and denial, like someone jumping into a pool of quicksand. Then you flounder there so long that there is no way to completely recover, to make you way out unscathed."

Unable to come up with a response to the observation, Tony muttered in annoyance, "That's the most I've heard you talk since you hired me."

Gibbs stood slowly and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tony, I want to make you see yourself the way the rest of us see you, as a competent, loving, ethical man whose one flaw of character is his inability to believe in himself."

With that speech Jethro placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and squeezed. "I am proud of you, Anthony, every single day."

Caught emotionally, Tony looked away, but Gibbs placed a hand behind his head to force him to make eye contact.

"Son, I do not want you to continue to convince yourself that you are somehow unworthy of love or happiness. I want you to have your own family, to have a woman you love and who loves you in return."

With that, Gibbs picked up his coffee cup and headed into the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, "Get to bed now. It's late."

Tony stared at Jethro as he left, marveling at how the older man always seemed to know the crux of any problem or situation.

Smiling softly, he made his way upstairs.


End file.
